I often think what my life would have been like if a few things didn’t roll out the way they did. If I wouldn’t have been bullied as a kid in secondary school I would never have felt the urge to leave my sleepy old hometown and explore beyond. If I hadn’t forced myself to stay up endless nights to study during high school because I knew that good grades were something no one would ever be able to take away from me, maybe I wouldn’t have hated being in school so much by the time I graduated and instead would have chosen to go to university. If I had been allowed to continue working for my first airline, maybe I would have still been there and never had had the courage to throw myself out in the world, and missed out on all the beauty the world has shown be because I opened up to it. I think about these things, and others, and wonder, how would life been outfolded if just one of these life-altering perimeters would have been different? Happier? Sadder? Richer? Or poorer? It’s definitely easy to think that it would have been less, in every way possible, because I don’t look at my life now and think that it’s ever less than it could have been. But at the same time, I haven’t been able to hold myself from wondering, could I have been as happy in any other way? And somehow, I do believe so. Even though sometimes life decides for you, and sometimes you decide. But don’t get me wrong, because I don’t live with regrets. I’ve learned in a nonmerciful way that there’s no point in regretting because nothing in life is black or white. Not really. And for that exact reason, I believe that we’re being given several different chances to make ourselves happy. Life isn’t predestined in the way that we all only have but one path to walk. But as relieving as that may sound, there’s no guide book on how to make the ”right” decisions. And that’s why it’s so easy to feel inclined that perhaps you should have fought more for some things in life and they would have rolled out differently. And maybe sometimes that’s true, maybe they would have taken life in a different direction. But that’s why it feels assuring to know that even if you missed out on one opportunity, there will be more.
Does that mean you’ll eventually seize one of them though? Unfortunately, I suppose no. I really don’t believe that anyone of us is guaranteed a happy ending, whatever that means for just you. If there’s one question that has driven me past the line of sanity down the years, that’s the one. Why isn’t it possible to trust that things will always turn out good in the end? Is life really that horrible? God, I’ve given this thought, and I still do. A lot. I don’t think I’ve reached any better conclusion than that if you want your happy ending, you can’t be so naive to think that it’ll be yours without a fight. But fight for what? I can’t think of anything more subjective than what a happy ending means.
I’ve spent most of the last year observing rather than producing. I reached a point where I felt like I just ran out of words, so I took a seat instead and simply tried to listen. Listen until my fucking ears bled. Listen without asking questions. Listen with my head, but also with my heart. Listen until I felt like I could articulate something with a worth. And somewhere in all the life stories and highs and lows it was like a vague pattern slowly emerged. A pattern of people with minds who not just knew that their way of leading their lives was a reason to be proud, but who most importantly felt it. Because what you know to be ”right” and what actually feels right for you, couldn’t be further apart if you ask me.
I’ve been surrounded by people my entire life who live according to decisions made for them rather than by them. And it’s been tough to not fall for the thought that perhaps it’s them who’s on to something and not me. But as much truth there might be to none of us being guaranteed a happy ending, I do believe that the vast majority of us learn to make better decisions for ourselves down the road. And the people I’ve chosen to have around me to this point in life seems to belong to the category who screws what they’re ”supposed” to do and instead makes the decisions that ultimately makes them happy. By choosing happy jobs that pay the rent, partners that makes them feel like one in a million, friends who say things like ”I’m here for you in the good times and in the bad times but especially in the bad times because we all deserve to be a little selfish when we have tailwind”. Perhaps choices that sound like simple ones. Even natural ones. But if you believe that they actually are, you’re not winning. I assure you. Because people make mistakes. And you have to allow them to.
The people I believe in to find their happy ending are the ones who somehow have figured out that the heart is the fuel for everything, so use it, but coordinate with your head, and dare to realize that you need both to feel. Sometimes out gut feeling is right, and sometimes it’s crap. And sometimes our gut feeling is simply us being hungry. So many people mistake them. There is nothing nothing nothing that’s black and white. At least not for them who dares to laugh out loud, cry without being pretty, rage without apologizing, listen without interrupting, speak without hesitating and do whatever the fuck they want without fear. And lord knows I’ve only recently understood some of these things. Some willingly. Some not so willingly. But all as valuable and precious things to know.
I believe that there are three kinds of people in this world. The ones who wait for the light to turn green before crossing the road, even if there’s not a car in sight. The ones who wait for the cars to stop at the redlight and then walk over. And the ones who see’s a car coming but still makes a run for it, understanding that life is not waiting for anyone, and if you’re gonna walk through it waiting for all the cars in your life to stop before you make your move, you’ll be waiting a long time.
Which one do you feel like?